What a Contrast!

Wow! We have spent a boat-load of money in the past 5 months making 3 trips to AZ to check on the folks. I am unofficially broke!!! The next step is "officially" broke, I suppose.

This last trip was really to celebrate Chuck's dad's 80th birthday. We surprised him and just showed up at the door. We really surprised him!! I was concerned he would have a heart attack. He was so pleased that we would travel to see him. Norma threw a party for him with about 30 of their closest friends. I seemed to fit right in... it was a room full of hearing aids (I just started wearing hearing aids). It was rather fun to see how well these seniors enjoyed themselves. It was so refreshing to see older adults active and engaged within their community and serving each other.

On the STARK flipside... I buzzed down to Green Valley to check on my parents...How grim and depressing! Their lifestyles in the past directly determine their lifestyle today. They are totally housebound, doctor visits weekly, depressed, in a wheelchair, in bed most of the day...the list goes on and on! Their house is being transformed into a nursing home of sorts. I don't mind serving my parents but some of this could've been prevented through their choices some time ago. My mom has diabetes, COPD, rheumatoid arthritis, fatty liver disease, cardiovascular disease and dementia. My dad has peripheral arterial disease, osteoporosis and cardiovascular disease. Let's just through in mental illness (mom) and drug addiction (dad) for fun! Also...Their choices financially has been  burden on them and their children. WHY were they NOT preparing for this?!?

I was so angry when I left there! It has taken me about a little while to settle down. Such a contrast from one set of parents to the next! I feel really cheated by having to take care of my parents, like children, when I should be enjoying them as friends.

On a positive note... I have a stronger determination to NOT repeat their mistakes... I live a healthier lifestyle. I try to keep my mind active. I have a retirement plan in the works. I have a wonderful and rewarding relationship with my husband and kids. I have a religion affiliation that I wouldn't give up for anything in the world! I forgive and forget. I serve others as much as I can. I try not to be judgmental. I have friendships that I cherish and foster. I try to be grateful for what I have. I need to be more physically active. I guess I like who I am and I'll keep me!!

Life Balance ...or is it Unbalance?

The term "Life Balance" always seemed weird to me. It just might constitute as an oxymoron! Seriously, is there any such notion?

We let our kids use our home to throw our sweet Lillian Jane Marie Collins her first birthday party. WOW! Birthdays are bigger and better than when our own kids were turning one. All they got was a tiny cake or a cupcake to dig into sitting in the highchair. Lilly Jane had a wonderful PINK party theme that her mom and aunt Karina whipped together. AMAZING!!!

 

But to bounce between hosting a birthday party for a grandchild and following up with my mother's doctor about a home health nurse, posting an ad to try and sell our house and then trying to complete problems for my statistics class, I'm feeling a tad bit ADD not to mention seriously overwhelmed!

The reality of it all is, it will be what it is!!! I need to realize I can only fix or do so much at once. I'm grateful I have been blessed with a humor gene. After I get wound up and spin out of control a bit, I can start to see the humor in this whole messy "life unbalance." That is when I can collect myself and start to unwind. I just haven't mastered how to make that spinning-out-of-control top to take a much needed break!

There will be mistakes!

Well, the trip to AZ to check up on the folks didn't go as well as I would've liked. I worked two night shifts then left in the afternoon after a couple of hours sleep. Mistake #1!!! Sometimes, I seriously feel like I can conquer the world as if I were a twenty-something...NOT TRUE! Not to mention I did not have a straight through flight. It was an extremely LONG day! I left Seattle at 1pm and arrived in Tucson at 10pm.

I was off and running the next morning to see my parents, help them with whatever needed to be done. It was wonderful to have bright sunshine to run around in! I think I was full of optimism, thinking I was going to find them well and vigorous...NOT true again! I was taken back by how each of them had declined since I was there last, 3 months ago. My dad had just gotten out of the hospital with another systemic infection. My mom was now using a wheel chair because her left leg was 3 times the size as her right leg and she couldn't walk. The nurse in me didn't know who needed attention first since everybody was breathing (airway, airway, airway!).

Well, the trip was short, but many hours long getting food and medicine purchased, doctor appointments attended, emergency department visited, medical equipment rented, future appointments made and medical power of attorneys and living wills filled out. I was only able to be there for 2 full days.

Off I go on an airplane for home at 6am with a terrible cold! I was seriously sad to leave the sunshine! I cried off and on because I knew I needed to do so much more for them and I felt so lousy! I wish I would've stayed one more full day to recoup a bit...mistake #2! I never gave myself any time to unwind and take it all in. Of all the teaching I do as a nurse towards caregivers, I spout often to take care of yourself! The caregiver will be of no good to anyone weary, sick and run down. I needed to take some of my own advise!

Sometimes I feel like a spinning top that will never stop! I am only one person and I have limits to my abilities. I can not conquer the world. I am only one daughter trying the best I can to take care of the two people who I never in my wildest dreams ever thought they would be needing help! When we are young we take it for granted that life just keeps beating on. Not much thought is given to the fact that when life doesn't keep beating on what are we to do then?

I am grateful to have a husband that is solid when I am a "top spinning out of control!" I am fortunate to have wonderful girlfriends whom I can bounce all this off of when I need to. I am blessed to have a Heavenly Father who will grant me what I need to get it all done! I want to move throughout this stage of life with grace and gratitude instead of anxiety and panic. I plan to take care of myself so that I will be able to take care of others. I know I never have to take on all this by myself, even though I try to...mistake #3!

Mom with Abigale and Makenzie

July 2014

    

      Dad Sept 2014

Where's the instruction manual?

When we had our first baby there was a tiny feeling of "how do I really take care of this tiny person?" Thank goodness for maternal instincts! Baby number 2-5 came along and I was feeling like a pro at the baby thing. Well, as they grew I grew right along with them. We muttled through experiences together. A ton of mistakes were made parenting along the way. It just seemed normal to go through that process. I suppose there are a ton of instruction manuals that offer a ton of philosophies on how to care for our babies, children, teens, and young adults. There are materials designed to help them launch into being an independent person.

What doesn't seem normal is being the parent figure to your own parents! There is definitely the feeling of " how do I really take care of this older person?" The same is true about references being available to help us care for an aging parent. What gets in the way is that they are still the parent!!! It feels wrong telling your parent how a certain situation is going to be. Or having to explain why they can no longer be an independent person. There really isn't any good material on how to be a parent to your parent! It's just awkward any way you look at it!

I love my parents! But they're not cooperative anymore. It's not easy seeing them decline. I worry about giving my children the same issues to deal with. How do we break this cycle? How do we create an instruction manual that will make their job of being the parent figure to us easier and less stressful?

The song, Stuck in the Middle with You, by Stealers Wheel has been playing in my head for a few days now when I think about where my life is at the moment. This phrase, describing our current station, is more how I feel rather than using the catch phrase, "sandwich generation," (sounds too textbook to me. There is nothing textbook about my family).

Yes, we have adult children that we are very much involved with and aging parents that we are very much involved with also! Do we feel "sandwiched?" I suppose so. More than anything we feel an increased responsibility due to the level of function ability of certain family members.

My grandparents passed away when when my parents were fairly young, late forties, early fifties. They didn't have the experience of having to feel as responsible for their parents then as we feel for our parents today. All of my grandparents were fairly independent until the time of their deaths. Some of my feelings of stress has to do with helping them through the many disease processes they are experiencing and how to exist in a tougher economy with limited resources.

This feeling of being stuck in the middle is bound to become more common place for American families. Other cultures move through this time of life with grace. We need to learn from them.
What an honor it should be to care for one's parents! It gives us an opportunity to shed the natural selfishness we harbor. It just hasn't been part of the American culture at large.

This blog will be dedicated to reflect the stage of life that I am now experiencing. Hopefully there will be more positive experiences than negative ones!

I feel blessed to be stuck in this stage of life with someone who is the calm, voice of reason, amidst this madness!